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Random facts about Jack Bauer - JackBauerIsGod.com

Jack Bauer is God.

Top 24


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24 Random Facts: (more)
# 41It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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# 27Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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# 87When someone said Jack Bauer facts are just like Chuck Norris facts, Jack hunted down Chuck. When he found him, Chuck roundhoused Jack. Jack shot him in the face, leaving Chuck dead and only a cut on Jack's lip, which he promptly healed with Chuck's tears.
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# 51Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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# 76Jack Bauer's top secret morning coffee recipie: 2 parts HCL, 1 part Xylene, 1 part Draino, Mix, boil and run thru crushed habanero powder into a crucible. When the coffee has a ring of cerenkov blue around it you'll have gotten it right.
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# 49Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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# 18Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
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# 93Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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# 104Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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# 106In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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# 97Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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# 12Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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# 35People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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# 108There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have not met Jack Bauer.
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# 43The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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# 101When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
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# 6Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
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# 15Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
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# 30Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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# 22When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
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# 55Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
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# 9Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
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# 13Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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# 98Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
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